I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
