i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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