K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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