I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
