i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
