I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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