Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just googled if crying burns calories
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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