I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
