I just saw a hot homeless man
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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