On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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