i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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