im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
