***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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