I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
