My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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