Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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