You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
