I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
