she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize