Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
