I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
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