Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
