Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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