She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize