You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize