That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We need to rekindle our bromance
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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