I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
