apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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