You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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