i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
