I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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