My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Even my vagina gasped.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
