Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
