I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
