Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
