i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
