I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize