she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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