So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
