We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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