My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
