just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize