Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
