Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize