Betty ford says i'm here all night
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i drank out of a bidet.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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