Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
