all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I could make wine with my vomit
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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