So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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