The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
