he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
