He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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