Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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