My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
