well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
The beer is more important than you right now.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize