My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
