I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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