At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
